I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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