hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
My liver just had a heart attack.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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