well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
