My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
