he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
