I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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