I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
