pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
