I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
