I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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