he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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