I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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