She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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