I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
BRING THE BAGELS
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
