This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
