yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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