I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
