Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
