a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
that may or may not have been my penis.
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