he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I wish they made helmets for livers.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
