She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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