I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
