awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
