id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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