she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
