He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
