oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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