I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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