Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
