i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
