I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
