Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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