you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Houston, we have a squirter
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
