a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
