You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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