My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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