just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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