Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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