I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A+ Viking dick
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
