I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
