I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
