If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
