Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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