Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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