I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
