Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
