Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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