mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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