in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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