Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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