Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
