I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
