i think my mom watched the whole time
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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