Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
