The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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