I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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